Only wanted to see you

"I don't care if anyone else sees me. I only wanted you to see me." a line that I heard as a nerdy young man is talking to a woman that he had a crush on that was way out of his league. She took his statement with silent acceptance, surely laughing on the inside as this young guy overstepped his place in the world and even thought that the nerdy guy and the very attractive girl would ever been together.

I have some insight into this. Growing up, I was misplaced and nerdy, the guy that didn't fit into any crowd, that had difficulty in making friends. Of course, I grew into myself in college and finally broke out of my shell after living through paramedic school. Yet, even today, I find myself misplaced alot of the time on a personal level. Now given my professional reputation, I am considered the "expert" of prehospital care in this area, but my personal life, not quite as confident.

I have always found myself on the outside of any personal circle. I don't have the personality to be a "cool" person and I don't always make a good impression, and keeping people at a distance futher pushes me outside the circle of close friends. But typically, I am the disposable one in the background, easily dismissed away and forgotten. I have been that nerdy person, the guy that most women found beneight them, the disposable one. It's not a bad thing or something that I am ashamed of, it is something that I accepted many many years ago. I'm a nerd and it is just one of those things. So when I do develop feelings or a crush on someone, I typically keep that information to myself. Rejection is a bitch and not something I am willing to risk.

From time to time, I write myself into the fabric of someone's life. Many times, I will see someone hurting or suffering a personal defeat and my heart goes out to them. Many times, I overstep those social boundaries to express my concern. It's a bad habit of mine, along with the neverending attempt to fix all problems.

My rambling's done for now.