The Horror

The Sadness of a Father


The call came out as “chocking” some 14 miles away. “Damn, this is going to be bad or complete bullshit”…usually bullshit, either someone didn’t swallow right, or the drink went down the trachea causing the coughing and tracheal spasms we are all familiar with.

No other information came in as we are responding…

We arrive on scene and immediately, the ambulance sinks in the muddy driveway, we are stuck. I leave my partner to tend to the ambulance and call for an additional one for transport if needed, I gather the necessary equipment and walk calmly to the apartment…oh yea, we were never advised of an apartment number by dispatch. I was met by a middle aged man, not upset or unusually stressed, not rushing us, just calmly walking beside me trying to engage in small talk. Again, bringing my sense of urgency down to a normal level.

I walk into a Hell that no parent wants to find himself or herself in. A father, someone I know, is bent over his 2 month daughter and with tears rolling down his face, is doing mouth to mouth and chest compressions…

“Michael, she is not breathing. If anyone can save her, its you!...”

I immediately get in resuscitation mode. Quickly checking for a brachial pulse and other signs of life, my hands wrap around the chest of this perfectly formed infant and compress her heart between the sternum and the vertebrae of the thoracic spine. She is perfectly formed, looking so sweet, and except for the cyanosis around the face and the limp body, you would swear she was sleeping. No signs of trauma, no petieciea (sp) noted, just a perfectly formed dead infant…

My mind remembers holding Hannah Rae and Josie at this age…

Back to the task at hand, my mouth covering the infants mouth and nose as I breathe the 17% oxygen that is in my exhaled breath into the little lungs. Her chest rises, the air is getting in…my hands pressing against her chest and back, trying to get the perfusion pressure of her little heart up so blood will start to flow, all the while obtaining a history of the incident and a medical history, listening to key words…laid her down for a nap about an hour ago, came in not breathing, started CPR immediately…

I call for an additional ambulance for transport, get the infant oral airway sized and inserted, start ventilating with the infant bag valve mask and continue compression. My partner arrives and takes over CPR, I apply the cardiac monitor and see asystole, the absent of any electrical activity. No IV site immediately presenting itself and the infant’s neck is to fat for an external jugular cannulation…I immediately insert a pediatric intraosseous into the small leg of the infant, the IV fluids flowing…need a weight…estimate at 3.5-4 kgs…initiate Epinephrine every 3-4 minutes weight based…

“Michael, I did everything correctly. Why didn’t it work?”

Attempt to intubate the infant, her small glottic opening was so anterior, approximately at the level of C1 vertebrae that visualization of it wasn’t possible. The transport truck arrives and the medic walks in, seeing what I got and clears a path to the ambulance. I move to the ambulance, partner two steps behind me with equipment that is still attached to the infant, other equipment and trash left to be picked up in a bit…I continue the chest compression and the mouth to mouth to the ambulance…placed on the ambulance and the other medic attempts to intubate, the results the same as mine…we take turns with the chest compressions and ventilations, pushing the correct vasopressor medications, I place an NG tube…something new to paramedics in our area, except I place it in her mouth and withdraw approximately 60mLs of air from the small stomach of the child…her skin color immediately improved…I call our dispatch to notify receiving medical facility…”2 month old, 3-4 kgs, cardiac arrest, not intubated, IO, epi q 3-4 minutes, 6 rounds of meds so far, asystolic on monitor, placing NG tube now, ETA still 10-15 minutes…”

I hear the dad in the front seat of the ambulance crying quietly to himself…I can hear those quiet tears fall over the sound of the siren that is ringing through the rural air…the quiet converstation between a new and the season medics on the unit.

We arrive to the hospital with the ambulance door open and staff waiting. We calmly continue the resuscitation as we walk the infant into the primary resuscitation room, hand off the infant and I give my report to the ED doc…my hands are shaking from the norepinephrine neruotransmitters that have been released by my brain, sending my body into a severe fight or flight reaction, but my voice was calm and quiet…

40 minutes later, I walk with the ED doctor to tell this dad the bad news. As soon as he saw me and the ED doctor walking together he knew…and the strength that he had for the entire time of the resuscitation left him…and he became only a father.

I hold my friend for several minutes…a tear never left my duct…

Until now, 2 months later, writing about it…

We restock both units, complete the necessary patient care report, and go available for the next assignment…which came quick enough…grandma is bedconfined and needed transport back home…

Random Thoughts

How come every ambulance call at 3 in the morning starts with "I was going to get my grandmother and heading to church"?

Nicole

Charlize Theron

The Magical Mirror

Its interesting in how we look upon ourselves. Like the child Erik scared of the magic in the mirror, we see only the negativity of ourselves.

I personally hate to look into any mirror. The ugliness of the image that stares back at me is just too much for me to bear.

My self-esteem has never been what you would call high and even as an adult, my self-worth is tied into my career, which is depressing in itself. I am still surprised that anyone would enjoy spending time with me and shocked that someone finds me attractive. Im shocked each and everytime, which luckily doesn't happen that often. Again, the ugliness. Most people just see the ugliness of me.

A Hard Lesson Learned

After talking with a friend of mine, I am recalling one of the most special events in my life. Although my involvement in this event was not my best moment, I am remembering the event and not only the history lesson learned, but the personal, hard lesson that I learned immediately.

I have wrote about this event many times in my life, and share this story in almost every class I teach on "customer relations". From time to time, I still get requests for a written version of this event, so here it is.

It occured many many years ago, when I was an EMT-Basic and before I went to paramedic school. I was working part-time at a small county hospital as an EMT on the ambulance. The hospital used the part time pool as back up for the emergency calls and for all of the interfacility transfers.

So one day, I was ordered to take this woman to a Memphis area hospital and truthfully I was pissed off about it. I was a fresh EMT and I wanted to do the emergency calls. That is what I went to school for, not these long boring transfers. I felt like that it was beneigh me. I was so much more important than this routine, boring interfacility transfer.

So me and my partner went upstairs to get the patient. Sadly, I wasn't as nice as I could have been. Her accent was almost impossible to understand and I just didn't want to hear her whin about the trip. She was going to have her broken hip surgerally repaired. God I didn't want to do this trip. Why did it have to be me? I was there for the emergency calls, for those lives I can save. I was a newly trained life-saver dammit and this was a waste of my talent. We pick her up and move her over to our stretcher, not as gently as we could. We carry her around the corner and hit the wall, not paying attention to what we are doing. We load into the unit roughly and head out on our way for the 2 hour trip. She is still trying to talk to me and I don't want to try to understand the accent.

I almost didn't take her blood pressure, but I did because I had to. I was going to take one blood pressure and then sit up in the captain's chair and ignore the patient. So I had to roll up her long sleeve shirt to get the blood pressure and I something caught my attention, a group of numbers tattooed on her forearm. Oh my God, I know exactly what this patient was.

Over the next two hours, I heard a first person account of the most horrible event of World War II. I learned of this patient watched her father shot in the back. I learned of this patient watching her mother walking nude into the now-known shower rooms and never returned. She told me as a young child, she learned that she was left alive for breading purposes.

I listened intently as this lady spun a web of historical truth, of unbelievable horror, racism, and death. I listened as this woman showed me respect and kindness even though I withheld those very things from her. I listened thinking this woman has all the rights to be pissed at the world; yet she was so kind and patient with me.

Looking back, its funny how that heavy accent was lost as she talked about the horror. I didn't have a bit of problems understanding what she was saying.

I also learned that day that everyone has a story, everyone has their own walk and path they have taken. I also learned that if I am lucky, I will be given a glimpse into their world.

I haven't lost that lesson.

Girls

Friendship

After my seperation and divorce, I decided to focus on the relationships that are important to me, namely my children and my friends. Now saying this, I am not one with a large number of trusted friends. I have quite a few work friends, those that know me as "buck naked the porn star"; but beyond that, the vast majority of work friendships end when I leave the station or office. But I am lucky enough to have some true friends that have lasted over many many years.

And I have decided that my children should meet, know, and feel comfortable around my friends. I want my children to know my friends, those few that I trust. And I want my friends to know my children, the two most important people in my life.

Now one of my trusted friends already know my children. JW lived in my house for a few months after his sudden and unexpected seperation and divorce, and in the normal activities of life, he got to know my daughters and they got to know him. JW, when you read this, they still ask about you and they are happy that you are closer to your son. But they ask about you alot. They even refer to the recliner that you always sat in as "Mr Jim's Chair" and the bedroom you slept in as "Mr Jim's room".

Yesterday; however, me and the girls spend the afternoon and evening with my best friend from college and his family. Now KB and I go way back, too far back actually. There are alot of stories concerning us. Just say that most of the dumb, immature, and harmful things done in college, both KB and I were side by side.

But yesterday my family and his family got together, so our children would have the chance to get to know each other and play with each other. Now KB's wife, HB, has accepted me as a member of the extended family so to say, as have their son. To the son, I am "Uncle Mike".

To sit back and watch our children swim and play and interact was amazing. The honesty of children, their open hearts, their open minds, their acceptance of the immediate and how they see what is good in everyone is remarkable. They accept each other because they see the honesty and good in everyone, not for what they can do for each other.

It was a wonderful day for both families.

I have one last close friend that must complete this process. PD, whenever you read this post, if you read this post, it is important to me for my children to meet you. Given your loving spirit, my daughters will love you forever.

You know who you are

Stay strong my friend. The dark clouds surrounding your life will clear in time. Your friends love you.

Sleep deprived delerium

I feel old this morning, my bones brittle, bugs eating away at the rich marrow, my muscles strain under the stress of constant contracted state, cellular function decreased as micro-organisms invade, replicate, and kill my body. Replicating replicating replicating replicating, RNA transcription, DNA transcription

The government is monitoring us, all of the radio waves monitoring our thoughts, the thought police are all around us, we are the unpersons. Everyone grab a armadillo shell and wear as a hat to guard from the thought police.

Remember this day the 9th of May.

Roll roll roll your boat gently down the stream.

Do you know why there are no more John Waynes in the world? Because of all the hormones in our drinking water. Our drinking water is feminizing everyone. Modern life is rewritting normal evolution process.

Goldilocks and the 35,000 bears

Snow White was a ho. No doubt about it. She lived with and serviced 7 different men.

Fire Fire Fire

Drive thru please.

Thats the way they is

Have you ever wondered why some women and men like to perform oral activities and others dont? Ive wonder that alot

to be an us instead of being a them

limp banana

Have you ever wondered where the idea of HELL with the devil and the demons and it being a pit of fire and brimstone comes from? Did you know that all but 1 use of Hell in the Bible refers to grave.

Dicey Icey

Does anyone else want a pulled pork sandwich?

i am typing wiht my eyes closed. I don't know if i will be able to open them again, this is a test to see how long acan tupe and see if I can typel while actually being asleep. Once at ole Miss, I took a history class final and fell asleep during it and drew a line on 2 pages of my blue book. I solid consistant line, then I wourk up and picked up my thought exactly were it was at. Wried hug?

My god, iam so tired. i gust want to sleep, but i cant. my body is exhaused, my heyes are heavy but my mind wont shut off. Only around 4 more hours lieft at work.