The Cicle of Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vX07j9SDFcc

Today, I heard the news that one of my patients from many many years ago died. Let me tell you the story.

It was a cool night many years ago and I was working in a hospital based ambulance service. I was considered a "senior" medic but still not completely experienced.

If was a Friday night, about 10pm. We received the call about a traffic collision in Sonic parking lot with a female complaining of difficulty breathing. "Great" I thought, "another teenage girl hyperventilating from a minor collision".

We start responding and we hear the local fire suppression units get dispatched to the same incident for "vehicle smoking"..."Ok, it may be more than I thought".

As we are responding I notice alot of glass in the highway about 2 stores before Sonic and three vehicles where they are not suppose to be in the Sonic parking lot. One was in the shrubs in front of Sonic, one was against another vehicle in the parking lot, one was in the middle of parking lot where walk up orders are taken. Everyone is alright, except one. I call for additional ambulance to respond to location and move to the vehicle in the shrubs in front of Sonic...the one with the driver trapped...the one smoking.

Ok, the smoke was actually from the dust from the airbag deploying, so fire suppression units were not needed. However, heavy rescue was needed.

The female driver, looks to be in her early 20s, is unresponsive with snorous ventilations. I climb into the back of the vehicle along with a student riding with us that night to climb in. Its a small car, not a great deal of room to work, but it is something that I habitually do on entrapped patient calls. I carefully lift her head back into a neutral alignment while opening her airway, a basic EMT student clumbsily places the cervical collar on the patient with my instructions...hell, you have to learn somewhere. Airway now opened and patent, patient is still breathing slowly and is still unconscious. We start assisting ventilations with a bag valve mask and high flow high concentration oxygen.

The Lt for the fire service approaches me to ask my opinion on extrication. I am a simple person. I know very little about heavy rescue and use of the Jaws of Life along with other extrication tools. I depend on the firemen to know their job. So I told the Lt, who was good friends with me, to do what he needs to do to get her out. He knows that I will be in the vehicle with the patient. They cover the patient, the student, and myself with a heavy blanket to protect us from the glass and metal that will be cut.

While we were under the blanket, I got the student to maintain neutral alignment while she was in the left corner of the back seat of the vehicle while I got immediately behind the driver's seat where the patient was, still unresponsive. I bend myself over the seat, insert the laryngoscope blade into her mouth and visualize the glottis and me placing an ET tube throught the glottic opening. Secondary confirmation along with securement of ET tube.

I never knew that this is was a difficult way to intubate a patient, but no anesthesologist would have even attempted that intubation. And not many paramedics would have attempted it or gotten it.

By the time I got her intubated and the tube secured, the fireman had the roof cut and driver door moved out of the way. We extricated the patient to the LSB and secured and quickly loaded her into the ambulance. Once in the privacy of the ambulance, we cut the patient's clothing and started the two IVs.

Quick transport to the hospital with the patient waking up. The ED doc, a friend of mine, during his assessment of the patient, pointed to me and told the patient "you can thank him for saving your life". The patient was transferred to the Level I trauma center at the MED in Memphis and she was quickly forgotten.

Over 2 years later, a nurse came down to the ED where I was working and was asking for me. "Oh shit, who did I piss off now?" I told her it was me and I got a big hug. I could hear her crying alittle bit. I could feel her tears on my neck. She told me who she was, I didn't remember her name. She told me that she had a vehicle collision at Sonic a couple of years earlier. I finally did remember her.

She told me how the trauma surgeon told her again that the paramedic that intubated her did save her life. She told me how she cleaned up, got off drugs, finally became the mother her two small children needed, went to LPN school and is working as a nurse. She told me "thank you Michael"...her eyes told me she meant it.

I told her not to thank me, I was just doing my job. She said no, you went way beyond the call of duty.

We talked alittle more and she went back to work. I soon left that job to work with the current Ambulance company I work for.

I learned today that this woman died a few years ago in a motorcycle incident. Riding in Memphis with her boyfriend "just around the block", she fell off the back of the motorcycle, striking her head. Not wearing a helmet, the traumatic brain injury ended her life.

For some reason, this knowledge has depressed me alittle. Many many people have died around me. Dead is a common companion for us in my profession. Can someone explain to me why this one person's death has effected me.

The Horror

The Sadness of a Father


The call came out as “chocking” some 14 miles away. “Damn, this is going to be bad or complete bullshit”…usually bullshit, either someone didn’t swallow right, or the drink went down the trachea causing the coughing and tracheal spasms we are all familiar with.

No other information came in as we are responding…

We arrive on scene and immediately, the ambulance sinks in the muddy driveway, we are stuck. I leave my partner to tend to the ambulance and call for an additional one for transport if needed, I gather the necessary equipment and walk calmly to the apartment…oh yea, we were never advised of an apartment number by dispatch. I was met by a middle aged man, not upset or unusually stressed, not rushing us, just calmly walking beside me trying to engage in small talk. Again, bringing my sense of urgency down to a normal level.

I walk into a Hell that no parent wants to find himself or herself in. A father, someone I know, is bent over his 2 month daughter and with tears rolling down his face, is doing mouth to mouth and chest compressions…

“Michael, she is not breathing. If anyone can save her, its you!...”

I immediately get in resuscitation mode. Quickly checking for a brachial pulse and other signs of life, my hands wrap around the chest of this perfectly formed infant and compress her heart between the sternum and the vertebrae of the thoracic spine. She is perfectly formed, looking so sweet, and except for the cyanosis around the face and the limp body, you would swear she was sleeping. No signs of trauma, no petieciea (sp) noted, just a perfectly formed dead infant…

My mind remembers holding Hannah Rae and Josie at this age…

Back to the task at hand, my mouth covering the infants mouth and nose as I breathe the 17% oxygen that is in my exhaled breath into the little lungs. Her chest rises, the air is getting in…my hands pressing against her chest and back, trying to get the perfusion pressure of her little heart up so blood will start to flow, all the while obtaining a history of the incident and a medical history, listening to key words…laid her down for a nap about an hour ago, came in not breathing, started CPR immediately…

I call for an additional ambulance for transport, get the infant oral airway sized and inserted, start ventilating with the infant bag valve mask and continue compression. My partner arrives and takes over CPR, I apply the cardiac monitor and see asystole, the absent of any electrical activity. No IV site immediately presenting itself and the infant’s neck is to fat for an external jugular cannulation…I immediately insert a pediatric intraosseous into the small leg of the infant, the IV fluids flowing…need a weight…estimate at 3.5-4 kgs…initiate Epinephrine every 3-4 minutes weight based…

“Michael, I did everything correctly. Why didn’t it work?”

Attempt to intubate the infant, her small glottic opening was so anterior, approximately at the level of C1 vertebrae that visualization of it wasn’t possible. The transport truck arrives and the medic walks in, seeing what I got and clears a path to the ambulance. I move to the ambulance, partner two steps behind me with equipment that is still attached to the infant, other equipment and trash left to be picked up in a bit…I continue the chest compression and the mouth to mouth to the ambulance…placed on the ambulance and the other medic attempts to intubate, the results the same as mine…we take turns with the chest compressions and ventilations, pushing the correct vasopressor medications, I place an NG tube…something new to paramedics in our area, except I place it in her mouth and withdraw approximately 60mLs of air from the small stomach of the child…her skin color immediately improved…I call our dispatch to notify receiving medical facility…”2 month old, 3-4 kgs, cardiac arrest, not intubated, IO, epi q 3-4 minutes, 6 rounds of meds so far, asystolic on monitor, placing NG tube now, ETA still 10-15 minutes…”

I hear the dad in the front seat of the ambulance crying quietly to himself…I can hear those quiet tears fall over the sound of the siren that is ringing through the rural air…the quiet converstation between a new and the season medics on the unit.

We arrive to the hospital with the ambulance door open and staff waiting. We calmly continue the resuscitation as we walk the infant into the primary resuscitation room, hand off the infant and I give my report to the ED doc…my hands are shaking from the norepinephrine neruotransmitters that have been released by my brain, sending my body into a severe fight or flight reaction, but my voice was calm and quiet…

40 minutes later, I walk with the ED doctor to tell this dad the bad news. As soon as he saw me and the ED doctor walking together he knew…and the strength that he had for the entire time of the resuscitation left him…and he became only a father.

I hold my friend for several minutes…a tear never left my duct…

Until now, 2 months later, writing about it…

We restock both units, complete the necessary patient care report, and go available for the next assignment…which came quick enough…grandma is bedconfined and needed transport back home…

Random Thoughts

How come every ambulance call at 3 in the morning starts with "I was going to get my grandmother and heading to church"?

Nicole

Charlize Theron

The Magical Mirror

Its interesting in how we look upon ourselves. Like the child Erik scared of the magic in the mirror, we see only the negativity of ourselves.

I personally hate to look into any mirror. The ugliness of the image that stares back at me is just too much for me to bear.

My self-esteem has never been what you would call high and even as an adult, my self-worth is tied into my career, which is depressing in itself. I am still surprised that anyone would enjoy spending time with me and shocked that someone finds me attractive. Im shocked each and everytime, which luckily doesn't happen that often. Again, the ugliness. Most people just see the ugliness of me.

A Hard Lesson Learned

After talking with a friend of mine, I am recalling one of the most special events in my life. Although my involvement in this event was not my best moment, I am remembering the event and not only the history lesson learned, but the personal, hard lesson that I learned immediately.

I have wrote about this event many times in my life, and share this story in almost every class I teach on "customer relations". From time to time, I still get requests for a written version of this event, so here it is.

It occured many many years ago, when I was an EMT-Basic and before I went to paramedic school. I was working part-time at a small county hospital as an EMT on the ambulance. The hospital used the part time pool as back up for the emergency calls and for all of the interfacility transfers.

So one day, I was ordered to take this woman to a Memphis area hospital and truthfully I was pissed off about it. I was a fresh EMT and I wanted to do the emergency calls. That is what I went to school for, not these long boring transfers. I felt like that it was beneigh me. I was so much more important than this routine, boring interfacility transfer.

So me and my partner went upstairs to get the patient. Sadly, I wasn't as nice as I could have been. Her accent was almost impossible to understand and I just didn't want to hear her whin about the trip. She was going to have her broken hip surgerally repaired. God I didn't want to do this trip. Why did it have to be me? I was there for the emergency calls, for those lives I can save. I was a newly trained life-saver dammit and this was a waste of my talent. We pick her up and move her over to our stretcher, not as gently as we could. We carry her around the corner and hit the wall, not paying attention to what we are doing. We load into the unit roughly and head out on our way for the 2 hour trip. She is still trying to talk to me and I don't want to try to understand the accent.

I almost didn't take her blood pressure, but I did because I had to. I was going to take one blood pressure and then sit up in the captain's chair and ignore the patient. So I had to roll up her long sleeve shirt to get the blood pressure and I something caught my attention, a group of numbers tattooed on her forearm. Oh my God, I know exactly what this patient was.

Over the next two hours, I heard a first person account of the most horrible event of World War II. I learned of this patient watched her father shot in the back. I learned of this patient watching her mother walking nude into the now-known shower rooms and never returned. She told me as a young child, she learned that she was left alive for breading purposes.

I listened intently as this lady spun a web of historical truth, of unbelievable horror, racism, and death. I listened as this woman showed me respect and kindness even though I withheld those very things from her. I listened thinking this woman has all the rights to be pissed at the world; yet she was so kind and patient with me.

Looking back, its funny how that heavy accent was lost as she talked about the horror. I didn't have a bit of problems understanding what she was saying.

I also learned that day that everyone has a story, everyone has their own walk and path they have taken. I also learned that if I am lucky, I will be given a glimpse into their world.

I haven't lost that lesson.

Girls

Friendship

After my seperation and divorce, I decided to focus on the relationships that are important to me, namely my children and my friends. Now saying this, I am not one with a large number of trusted friends. I have quite a few work friends, those that know me as "buck naked the porn star"; but beyond that, the vast majority of work friendships end when I leave the station or office. But I am lucky enough to have some true friends that have lasted over many many years.

And I have decided that my children should meet, know, and feel comfortable around my friends. I want my children to know my friends, those few that I trust. And I want my friends to know my children, the two most important people in my life.

Now one of my trusted friends already know my children. JW lived in my house for a few months after his sudden and unexpected seperation and divorce, and in the normal activities of life, he got to know my daughters and they got to know him. JW, when you read this, they still ask about you and they are happy that you are closer to your son. But they ask about you alot. They even refer to the recliner that you always sat in as "Mr Jim's Chair" and the bedroom you slept in as "Mr Jim's room".

Yesterday; however, me and the girls spend the afternoon and evening with my best friend from college and his family. Now KB and I go way back, too far back actually. There are alot of stories concerning us. Just say that most of the dumb, immature, and harmful things done in college, both KB and I were side by side.

But yesterday my family and his family got together, so our children would have the chance to get to know each other and play with each other. Now KB's wife, HB, has accepted me as a member of the extended family so to say, as have their son. To the son, I am "Uncle Mike".

To sit back and watch our children swim and play and interact was amazing. The honesty of children, their open hearts, their open minds, their acceptance of the immediate and how they see what is good in everyone is remarkable. They accept each other because they see the honesty and good in everyone, not for what they can do for each other.

It was a wonderful day for both families.

I have one last close friend that must complete this process. PD, whenever you read this post, if you read this post, it is important to me for my children to meet you. Given your loving spirit, my daughters will love you forever.

You know who you are

Stay strong my friend. The dark clouds surrounding your life will clear in time. Your friends love you.

Sleep deprived delerium

I feel old this morning, my bones brittle, bugs eating away at the rich marrow, my muscles strain under the stress of constant contracted state, cellular function decreased as micro-organisms invade, replicate, and kill my body. Replicating replicating replicating replicating, RNA transcription, DNA transcription

The government is monitoring us, all of the radio waves monitoring our thoughts, the thought police are all around us, we are the unpersons. Everyone grab a armadillo shell and wear as a hat to guard from the thought police.

Remember this day the 9th of May.

Roll roll roll your boat gently down the stream.

Do you know why there are no more John Waynes in the world? Because of all the hormones in our drinking water. Our drinking water is feminizing everyone. Modern life is rewritting normal evolution process.

Goldilocks and the 35,000 bears

Snow White was a ho. No doubt about it. She lived with and serviced 7 different men.

Fire Fire Fire

Drive thru please.

Thats the way they is

Have you ever wondered why some women and men like to perform oral activities and others dont? Ive wonder that alot

to be an us instead of being a them

limp banana

Have you ever wondered where the idea of HELL with the devil and the demons and it being a pit of fire and brimstone comes from? Did you know that all but 1 use of Hell in the Bible refers to grave.

Dicey Icey

Does anyone else want a pulled pork sandwich?

i am typing wiht my eyes closed. I don't know if i will be able to open them again, this is a test to see how long acan tupe and see if I can typel while actually being asleep. Once at ole Miss, I took a history class final and fell asleep during it and drew a line on 2 pages of my blue book. I solid consistant line, then I wourk up and picked up my thought exactly were it was at. Wried hug?

My god, iam so tired. i gust want to sleep, but i cant. my body is exhaused, my heyes are heavy but my mind wont shut off. Only around 4 more hours lieft at work.

More of the girls

A musical walk through a life

I love music. I think well written and well recorded music captures the mood of so many people, myself included.


Growing up, my parents loved country music. I remember BJ Thomas and Kenny Rogers alot. My mother loved Kenny Rogers. I still love Kenny Rogers, especially this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tj_NjLBPotQ

Everyone remembers Michael Jackson's "Thriller" coming out. I, like everyone else, had a cassette tape of this album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En-cHBv7UpA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtyJbIOZjS8

1983 or 1984, a school age friend of mine was recording a record and introduced me to Amy Grant's "Unguarded" album with its four different covers. I absolutely fell in love in Amy Grant's music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VLEJ_WC2yQk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmW_JwJjaVg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-EGzskcdp0

Along with the new found love for Amy Grant's music, I found the idealist movement within the Contempary Christian Music, which I still love today. Here are some links to some different songs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IbPKaIozS-c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BRUsSztA44
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITYx4QhIEWs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LbLXGW6JIgQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54RhlFUuRt8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IuFvhjEO0Ao
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJC5efHpcF4

1987, U2 releases "The Joshua Tree" album. Once I heard this album, I was hooked on U2's music. They still are my favorite band. I went back and got a copy of "The Unforgettable Fire" and got a copy of "Rattle and Hum" when it came out. I still have the video from "Rattle and Hum"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8SPeR60lRI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogN5gdbJwkA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVjTOHIkJgE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QRKTm2lyVS0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_k4ULln7IkU

1988 and Amy Grant records and releases "Lead Me On". Today, this album is still my favorite of all time. There is just not enough I can say about this album. From the opening guitar of "1974", the historical references in "Lead Me On", the temptation of "Faithless Heart", the honesty of "What about the love?" and "Say Once More", the hope in "Waiting on the Healing". It is just a great album.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vbim0upW0A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGayAVrH0gQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfdqzPue2_4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XR-GzNIPnpY

Of course, this was in the middle of the "Hair" bands of the late 1980s. I hated most of the hair bands, but a few songs I did enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq6OYpJjG0Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKTiwCez6Zs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lf0rIV6j2H4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlN3oEjMpUQ

As my high school years were closing and my future was ahead of myself, it was time to recreate myself. I was very nerdy in school and didn't have many friends and I was determined not to make the same mistake in college. So over the summer between high school and college, a massive "reinvention" was developed. At the same time, a single man under the name of Nine Inch Nails recorded "Pretty Hate Machine". This mixture of techno and raw lyrics was great, something very different from the typical "hair band" crap that was out there.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTs5SoOteQQ

I remember listen to Rebel radio out of Oxford in my bedroom at night in New Albany, introducing me to the alternative music scene, which further deepened as I went to college. My taste in music is still alternative.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZRxjpxccF0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5E9kJYI7SU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZEwrK6ziLk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kq8hQ_lyMBs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42V8CqWw0xM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gcHB060NKYo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6k4ZYjW-cA


Also, during the senior year of high school, I found the hippy movement music of the late 1960s and of course, the Beatles, especially "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" and the "White Album"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WROmhkagEjQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yDl0qPfkSRw
http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=7F9AD5226B62209A&search_query=beatles+white+album

Of course, as everything evolves, both personal and popular musical tastes changed, and the Grunge movement from Seattle took the world by storm. From that movement came a band called Pearl Jam. A song from them was titled "Black". Although I have a personal reason for this song being so special, this song is one of those that I think is almost the perfect song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6X8Ic86Hx3w

And of course, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhqmFKv3ow8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBuGjGrQVTM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJCiJC2MM5Q

At Northeast Community College, I was introduced to some guys and we formed a very close friendship. One day we got together in a mall and just out of the blue started singing this song to the applauses of the bystanders. One of my favorite memories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbg7YoXiKn0

And of course, I first heard the Violent Femmes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra8VTlXVqUQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xpk2BEtSmnA

My musical taste continued to evolve as my life did...and finally we come to Ole Miss

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2cDkFxpYrc

Two albums came out my first year of Ole Miss, U2's "Actune Baby" and Guns N Roses "Use your Illusions"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFWPeVfWB9o
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwu7ixmQk0c

I met a woman at Ole Miss that changed my life. Increditably beautiful, remarkably intellegent with the soul and spirit of an angel and I was so in love. It took me six months to ask her out and I was so hooked by the end of the first date. Remarkable how someone can have that effect on another person. She and I had different musical tastes, but we grew to enjoy each other's music somewhat. She was the first person that I ever asked to marry me, but of course, she was wise enough to say NO. We had the remarkable relationship that just ended, and not a break up. I would be lying if I said that when she moved back home that my heart wasn't broken. I think that hurt was what I was healing as I through myself into paramedic school. That devotion to school today has made me one of the best paramedics in the state of MS. Years later, her and I, through the modern technology of Myspace and text messaging, have reconnected as friends. She still has the same angelic soul and spirit, still increditably beautiful and intellegent, though alittle older and wiser. Here are the songs that she liked or inspired my memory.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMHGgnlXfSA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji-GONSfwnE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqDV77r8244
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWdG8NoFXY0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXxXj7rzZy4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y6635Gym6IA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xpo5fVUGNG0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdRJTr23gQo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odrZ6NtPR2M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzCSb6OnkZA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzCSb6OnkZA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCYr8TWAGn0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPpkTgMbhRU


And here is a song that she absolutely hated. I use to harrass her to death with this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1cfTMdjkYM


Ok, I degressed alittle by watching a few of these videos over and over.

Then I met Alicia. We dated and eventually got married. Many years and 2 daughters later the marriage ended, but there were great memories of us together. I could write many pages on our lives together, but to put it simply, we are now better friends than we were husband and wife. Sometimes life is like that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBGmc3bmgaY

My daughters. I can't say enough about them. They are the love of my life, my proof of God's existence and grace and love. I was madly in love with both of them the first second they were born. They amaze me everyday with their outlook on life, and everyday they tell me that they love me, I know that they mean it. They so have their daddy wrapped around their finger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh8o8LZQbC4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HdGUNm6-qI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUk5SZ18WhY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcMX-tXntS0

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hr0Wv5DJhuk

Even though the pressures of life were destroying my marriage, my career was taken off. I love being a paramedic. I absolutely do. I think it is one of the hardest, most rewarding jobs out there. To be the calm voice in everyone's nightmare.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IEoEd0ef4_4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBoKorve6Cg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJGXC3AN6R4

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=39832674

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=49443678

These songs are dedicated to my friends Scott and Jay. Scott died of cancer. Still one of those deaths that I cannot understand. He was so full of life, truly one of those special people that we don't have enough of in our lives. Jay also worked with me and died the way he wanted to...on the side of a mountain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAMnjzU-6UQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Jtpf8N5IDE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3IA36liLghk

This is a short video that I made for a class on mass casualties. I put this in because this incident changed my friend forever and almost killed him. For awhile, his spirit and sould was broken by what he had to experience on the gulf coast. In listening to him talk about it and try to heal from his obviously moral wounds, I learned alot about trust and friendship and what is truly important in life. We can never forget what is truly important in life.

This song is dedicated to a dear friend of mine that is starting on a difficult transition in her life. Originally recorded by Amy Grant many many years ago, this song is a remake of that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OXORJ16Ipn8

Well, that is my musical walk through life. At least a half of a life. I end this with a couple of songs that I would like played at my funeral/wake/bonefire with my dead body burning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgYKXZz2oOQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRMz8fKkG2g

Pimpin' Ain't Easy

Friend's Cask of Amontillado

I love the Egar Allen Poe story "Cast of Amontillado", his story of revenge. It remains one of my favorite short stories of all time.

This morning I am thinking of how people in our lives treat us like we are Fortunato, eager to please us and act like they are helping us, all the while leading us further and further down into the basement, chaining us up, and replacing the brick in front of us.

Just a random thought. Sleep well my friends. There are no bricks that I am hiding.

Yes, for the love of God!

A day in the life

"Turn off your mind. Relax and float downstream"

"I can't believe the news today. I can't close my eyes and make it go away. How long, How long must we sing this song."

"To think of my task is chilling. To know that I was carefully building a mask I was wearing for 2 years swearing I was taking it off"

"Sing once again with me our strange duet"

"Though you turn from me to glance behind"

"I will be walking one day down a street far away and see a face in the crowd and smile. Knowing how you made me laugh and hearing sweet echoes of you from the past"

"Freedom was a song"

"Waiting for the train, labeled with the golden star. Heavy hearted boarding, whispers in the dark. Where are we going, is it very far? Bitter cold terain. Echos of a slamming door. Chambers made for sleeping forever. Voices like thunder in a mighty war"

"but I am caught in between the now and the not yet"

"They paved paradise and put up a parking lot"

"What the world needs know is a new Frank Sanitra, so I can get you in bed"

"Sorry I never told you all that I wanted to say"

"it was just another story printed on the second page, printed under the tiger's football score"

"See you at the crossroads so you wont be lonely"

"But the waves are calling out my name and laughing at me. Reminding me of all the times before that I failed."

"All of us neos fanning ourselves, damp with the sweat of regret"

"I don't know if Im ready to be the man that I have to be."

'They laugh, they laughed and said Behold your King"

"She started to apologize for all the things she had done wrong. She said I would have loved you better if I had only known. He said you were the perfect wife. Promise you will go on with your life. She said the boys won't understand. He said tell them daddy loves his men. BE STRONG"

"Surpressed by all of my childish fears"

"These wounds won't seem to heal"

"I wish that I could cry. Fall upon my knees. Find a way to lie"

"Even heros have the right to bleed. Even heros have the right to dream"

"So, do you think we can change. Everybody that hates before its too late. So proud to be free but who can we blame"

"I won't be home tonight. My generation has got to make it right"

"Well the war took his baby, killed his lady and left him with one eye. While the tears were falling he was recalling answers he never found?

'Highway run into the midnight sun. wheels go round and round in my mind. Restless hearts, sleep alone tonight. Sending my love down the wire tonight"

"From the table in the corner they could see a world reborn. And they rose with voices ringing. And I can here them now the very words they sung became their last communion on a lonely baracade at dawn. My friends forgive that I live you are gone. Oh my friends my friends don't ask me what your sacrifice was for."

"I thought what I felt was simple."

"I dont need no one to tell me about heaven. I look at my daughter and I believe"

"Some days I pray for silence. Some days I pray for soul. Some days I pray to the god of sex, drums, and rock n roll. Maybe Im just lonely. Thats all a pile of fat could be."

"Maybe she is looking for a Romeo in black jeans"

"We said our goodbyes before our hellos"

"hearts have been harden. Hands have been clinched into fists too long"

"I know you will have a beautiful life. I know you will be the sun in someone else's sky, but why not mine"

The Good Stuff

The torture of our own minds

The craziness of life. Its funny how the life that we work so hard to build is destroyed by our own creations. Maybe funny isn't the correct word. Maybe sad, maybe ironic. Irony can be so ironic sometimes.

In our current social situations, trust is fragile item, a paper thin comforter that we try to cover up with when the cold winds and rain of life hit upon us, when we take off our masks and stop the masquerade, when we put down our swords and wait for the healing.

In the quest for reasoning and Truth in a world designed to confuse, when is it enough? Do you completely trust the person laying beside you at night, the one you confess love to? Is love possible without trust, are the two things seperate?

Another life, another world

Standing strong in front of her, my legs feel like that are going to buckle. I feel so child-like, so mentally unprepared for this. I still cannot comprehend any reasoning on why this beautiful creature, this unique creation from the Almighty, is entrusting me with her friendship and her soul and spirit. There are so many more so much more intellegent and attractive than I.

Maybe in a different world, a world where our walls have fallen and only the spirits of ourselves are shown would I be considered attractive. Maybe in a different life, a different body for a shell would I be considered cool and exciting; without the confinement of my our insecuries. A world and a life where those that dislike me entrust me and those that do profess me as a friend are trueful. Maybe a world and a life in which love is everlasting, is unconditional.

Disposability

I tell everyone that one of my best qualities is disposability. Disposability in being a friend, disposability in being important, disposability in being a lover to someone. It is not a quality that I enjoy having, but one that is attached to me.

People like me are the ones standing in the back of the room, the ones that are unimportant in any discussion, in any aspect of life. People like me are easily pushed out of sight and out of mind.

I often wonder why it was so easy for the few people in my life that have been very important to me to leave me without looking back...

Day 2

Ok, I am on my second 24 hour shift back to back and I am so far behind on paperwork. I actually need someone to write my reports for me.

The tireness of being at work for this length of time is creeping up on me. No matter if I sleep all night without an ambulance call, I still don't sleep well at a station, always expecting the tones to drop, requiring us to go from asleep to clear headed and making the correct decisions in a matter of a few moments. So I wake up alot while at work, either on my own or by ambulance assignments.

This tireness is not uncommon for me, just worse when i am at work.

How young

Seriously, how do people still have pictures this many years ago.

The shaking seizures

Have you ever seen anyone have a generalized seizure in a ditch full of water? Its kinda funny to see the person uncontrollability shake and put there head under water.
As Dr House says about seizures: "Interesting to watch, boring to diagnosis"

My girls